The Language of Responsibility

How we accept or reject responsibility for the things we say shapes the tone of our relationships. Makes sense, right?

Think about the following examples, which in no way represent the opinions of the Saying What Matters lady – just examples to get your attention, folks.

It bothers me when people talk about sex. Using the word “it” is often an unconscious way of not taking a position. Better to say: I get uncomfortable (or upset, or angry, or nervous) when people talk about sex.

We don’t support the recent immigration legislation. Unless you are suffering from a multiple personality disorder (and if so, please, no offense intended), you are the Queen of a good-sized country, or you are in a position to speak for others, this is simply not a good way to communicate. Using the word “we” indicates closeness or commonality that may not be appropriate or appreciated by others. It can end up sounding presumptuous. Own your own stuff – I don’t support the recent immigration legislation. I’ll let the others speak for themselves.

I’m all for staying out of the bedrooms of the nation, but gay marriage could be a problem.  A statement that starts out one way, and then changes course after the word “but”, is confusing. This strategy is often used to wrap an unpleasant message in a palatable form. Once again, own your own stuff. For example: I think gay marriage could be a problem.

You don’t seriously think abortion is OK? This is not a question in the sense that a question is a sincere request for information. This is a specific position disguised as a question. Better to be honest: I don’t think abortion is OK. What do you think?

The way you talk, it makes me so mad. Statements that make use of the word “you” almost always end-up being taken for blame. To say nothing of the fact (at least with this example) that no one can make anyone feel anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. Better to say: I feel sad when I listen to this talk.

The above five examples all indicate ways we dodge responsibility for our own stuff. Let’s look at a way to communicate that allows us to take responsibility.

The “I” statement.

A complete “I” statement has three distinct parts.

1. State the other person’s behaviour.
2. Articulate your feelings.
3. Describe the consequences of the other’s behaviour for you.

An example.

I see that you’re pretty angry. (simple and direct description of behaviour – no judgement) I feel afraid when you raise your voice. (owning your own stuff) I start to shut-down, when you get angry like this. (explanation of consequences)

Each of the three statements begins with the word “I”.

Let’s look at few more examples because this is a simple (yet very effective) communication tool that is incredibly hard to use.

One roommate to the rest of the people who live in the house.

This morning the sink was full of dirty dishes. I get bugged when the other people in this house don’t clean up after themselves. I had to spend twenty minutes cleaning up before I could make breakfast and then I missed my bus.

Mom or dad to teenage son or daughter.

I’m guessing there will be drinking at the party tonight. I’m very worried about you driving home. I won’t be able to rest easy unless I’m sure you’ll be taking a cab.

Wife to husband.

Tonight it seemed like I couldn’t finish one sentence. I start to feel embarrassed when you jump in and interrupt me so often. I already felt a bit intimidated around your lawyer friends and tonight didn’t help.

Dad or mom to unruly toddler.

I see you’re pretty upset that we have to leave the playground. I’m really sorry about that. But if we don’t go right now we won’t have time to read two books before bed tonight.

A word of warning here, even the best crafted “I” message needs to be delivered in the right way. The nonverbal behaviour (such as tone of voice, body-language etc.) must fit with a true desire to communicate with a degree of care.

The Saying What Matters lady invites you to try and craft a couple of your own examples. Remember a difficult communication situation. Now come up with a three-step “I” statement. If you’re feeling really brave – try it out in real life. Let me know how it goes.

Just don’t miss the boat on this language stuff . . . .OK?